Welcome to Motherhood – and Mommy Wars

Judgement. It is a tricky thing. I’m sure we’ve all experienced it in some way shape or form, maybe even sent a little out ourselves at some point. No matter your background as a mom or a dad, we all face judgment from others and ourselves after we become parents. With that in mind, I’d love for you to go to the Similac Facebook page and share the one thing you will do to help end the mommy wars — and that is the inspiration for today’s post.

mommy wars

“Your baby sleeps in bed with you? Oh, you’ll never break her of that habit unless you do it now. Just let her cry”

Those are the comments that I often got from my parents and friends when I told them about co-sleeping with my baby. They thought they meant well but really it is a form of judgement, and I could hear it in their tone of voice. They think their way was/is better and if I don’t change what I’m doing I’ll be sorry.

Yes, I co-slept with my daughter up until a few months ago. While nursing and recovering from a c-section it was just easier for me to have the baby right there in bed with me. Getting out of bed is hard when you have a huge incision that is healing, and doing so several times a night was just not an option. It worked for us. I was aware of the advantages and disadvantages, but doing what was best for us is ultimately what won out.

My baby girl is 19 months old right now and with a new baby on the way we have decided it is time for her to sleep in her own bed, otherwise we probably would still have her sleeping with us (which she does occasionally if she wakes up). The transition was not hard at all. We supported her through it for a few nights and now she easily goes to sleep in her own bed.

Welcome to motherhood – in public

“Oh, disposables. We use cloth, it’s better for the baby and the environment.”

“Can you believe she is breastfeeding — in public?”

“You sleep with your baby, that’s so dangerous!”

Whatever the judgement, this is motherhood – in public. Welcome to mommy shaming, where moms are horrible to each other online, in playgroups, and in tight little circles for each parenting ‘style’. The Mommy Wars are enough to shake once confident parents everywhere. What you thought was best for your child, you now question – “should I be doing that?”

We are breaking each other down, all while crumbling inside ourselves. As if we don’t have enough to deal with already; piles of laundry, groceries, jobs, toys everywhere — but now we also have to deal with a constant barrage of judgement. Why are we so hard on one another?

Perhaps we need to feel validated in the way we are raising our kids, or we are proud of our parenting skills and want to make sure everyone else knows we’ve figured out the only right way to raise a child. Perhaps the opposite is true and we are quite insecure in our parenting and feel threatened by a different method.

In any case, we are hard on ourselves and we are hard on each other. But should we be? I really feel that this thing called motherhood — it cannot be done alone. I’m not saying single motherhood isn’t doable, I’m just saying that the mommy wars are unnecessary. Who cares if I breastfeed and you formula feed? Does it really matter in the end as long as our kids are healthy and happy?

We need each other.

We need support from our fellow sisters in motherhood (or fatherhood, whichever). Wouldn’t it be great if we could all raise each other up and support the choices we each make for our own children?

But you know what — we can!

Ending Mommy Wars

Perhaps it starts with ourselves. Looking into our own feelings and exploring why we feel the need to send out looks of disapproval or comment on Facebook about how ‘she’ is doing it all wrong.

Perhaps we can start with acknowledging that there is no one right way. There are millions of different ways, and every mother knows her own right way, and this is what makes motherhood so beautiful. Each mother has love for her child, just because it looks different than how you do it doesn’t make it any less.

So let’s heal this together. Let’s end the Mommy Wars. Let’s raise each other up in support and pick each other up when we fall. Let’s ask for help when we need it, and offer advice in a kind way that doesn’t judge.

Because we need each other. Our kids need us to do better, to be better.

Right now, Similac has created a video focused on Real Parents discussing Real Judgement. Watch the video here or check it out on Youtube.

I love the message in this video — spread support, not judgement. Also, I’m pretty excited about Similac’s new partnership with Hilary and Haylie Duff. They are great faces for the #SisterhoodUnite campaign as they are both firm believers in ending the Mommy Wars.

What’s your story?

Tell us your story about overcoming judgement or any challenges you face. Head over to the Similac Facebook page and share the one thing you will do to help end the Mommy Wars!

 

This is my second in a series of posts with Similac and their Sisterhood of Motherhood Program. You can find my first post, about Feeling like a Failure, here. As part of this program, I received compensation for my time. Similac believes that consumers and bloggers are free to form their own opinions and share them in their own words. Find Similac on Facebook and YouTube.

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Did you enjoy this post? I would LOVE IT if you would come join the fun on The Mommy Bunch Facebook Page and tell us your story! 

Did you hate this post? You should totally come yell at me on The Mommy Bunch Facebook Page!

 

 

 

Jesica H

My name is Jesica and I'm happy to 'meet' you! I'm just living life and loving every minute of it! I try to not let things hold me down or hold me back, I just live! Here at The Mommy Bunch, I offer solid advice on all things parenting, household, and living life as a working mom.

41 thoughts on “Welcome to Motherhood – and Mommy Wars

  • August 11, 2015 at 3:45 pm
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    My first experience with mommy shaming was actually before I even had kids. Because I was the only one I knew pregnant at the time, I turned to what I thought were online support groups for pregant moms. It turned it a group of women who attached others for not doing home births and and if you had a c-section well then your child just shouldn’t have been born…it was horrible and not supportive at all. I waited a long long time before joing a mom group and infact my oldest was about 3 in a half before we tried another one out and I’m very thankful for the group I’m in. We all support each other and leave our opinions at the door and provide a few tips or tricks and advice “only when needed or asked for”. From my gathering of most of the moms I know, we all just need to be heard and most of us just need a hug and an “I’ve been there done that” kind of support.

    Finding the right one is key though! Yes I agree lets end these mommy wars and support one another! I found your post on BlogLovin. I’d love if you stopped by for a visit sometime! Have a great week!
    Heather recently posted…Tatertot Casserole Recipe!My Profile

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    • August 12, 2015 at 9:46 am
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      Thanks for sharing, Heather. I’m glad you found a group that is supportive, those catty ones can make anyone feel bad! You are right, sometimes we just need a sounding board, not someone to tell us what to do. 🙂
      Have a great day!
      Jesica H recently posted…Welcome to Motherhood – and Mommy WarsMy Profile

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      • August 13, 2015 at 10:52 am
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        Exacty! I really kinda stay away from those holier than thow moms who think things should only be done a certain way. We all come from different walks of life and different upbringings. Thankfully in my mom group, I’ve now gained a regular work out buddy, we bring our kids and work out together at our local gym. I wish I would have found them sooner. 🙂
        Heather recently posted…DIY: Disasters: When to Make The Call to Your HVAC TechnicianMy Profile

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  • August 12, 2015 at 8:04 pm
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    We do need the mommy wars to be put to rest…. and I tend to think that is the feeling among most moms. I think we all have our moments of weakness though where we feel this one particular parenting practice needs to be shared far and wide and we feel like we are the ambassador of said practice. In my opinion sometimes a comment from another mom is not meant to be judgey, rather they lack information that you have and it is an opportunity to educate. There are so many parental practices that I am proud to utilize. AND then there are things I’ve done out of habit or from the way I was raised that I’m not so proud of. None of us is perfect, but there’s nothing wrong for striving to help us all raise a better generation.

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  • August 12, 2015 at 8:56 pm
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    I don’t understand why we can’t all just get along. I hate that some people are so judgy towards each other.

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  • August 12, 2015 at 8:58 pm
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    This has been a problem for ages. I have a feeling that it will be a problem for ages to come too.

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  • August 12, 2015 at 9:36 pm
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    I honestly don’t get this mommy wars thing, but it seems to happy worldwide! I head spins when I hear stories like this from my friends too!

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  • August 13, 2015 at 6:15 am
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    I was new here when I had my kids so I newver really had a suport group with Moms. It was hard but fot through it, sometimes being alone is not a bad thing.
    Chubskulit Rose recently posted…Roadtrip to Hershey, PAMy Profile

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  • August 13, 2015 at 8:42 am
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    Mommy wars are the most ridiculous. Every time I see it I roll my eyes and go along my way. I can’t be bothered to worry about others, what they so with their kids or what they think.

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  • August 13, 2015 at 9:13 am
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    I think the worst is the judgments we do to ourselves! This is such a great article, and a great campaign Jesica!

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  • August 13, 2015 at 11:31 am
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    I don’t think mommy wars will ever stop because there will always be judgmental people and there will always be people who can’t mind their own business.

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  • August 13, 2015 at 1:20 pm
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    It’s so sad that some people judge so much. Every parent is different and chooses to do things differently. I would never judge anyone without knowing them. It’s sad that mothers get judged so often too.

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  • August 13, 2015 at 2:29 pm
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    I try to never judge another Mom. Being a parent is a hard job and what works for me might not be best for you. I think we need to support one another.

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  • August 13, 2015 at 2:46 pm
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    I don’t get the whole mommy wars stuff. As a mom with an authority site, I always tells parents to do what is best for THEM and THEIR FAMILY. They are the ones who have to deal with their kids/problems not the moms pointing fingers. Next time, ask them if there is anything you can do to help. Maybe offer to babysit for a few hours so they can catch up on sleep, take them a home cooked meal, pitch in and wash clothes, dishes, ect. The little things do add up.
    Uplifting Families recently posted…Five Ways You Can Prevent Your Kids from Nose-PickingMy Profile

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  • August 13, 2015 at 3:41 pm
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    How about dealing with motherhood and mommy wars when you raise your kids in another country, whose mentaily and culture is different than yours?! Now that’s even worse!
    lisa @bitesforbabies recently posted…Chickpea Pasta SaladMy Profile

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  • August 13, 2015 at 4:10 pm
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    It amazing me how judgemental some moms are. Like they are just perfect. Ugh. I just never understood why moms felt the need to rip apart and tear down other moms; like being a mom isn’t a hard enough job.
    Chrystal | YUM eating recently posted…Canning Tips: Canning Basics 101My Profile

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  • August 14, 2015 at 12:24 am
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    It’s not just moms, but I have actually heard some dads make remarks regarding some of those aforementioned topics. I believe some people will nitpick about anything in sake of an argument.
    HilLesha recently posted…99 Ways to Find Your National ParkMy Profile

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  • August 14, 2015 at 12:31 am
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    I feel very fortunate to have not come across any outward judgements and have made a few very nice mom friends once my kids started school.

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  • August 14, 2015 at 8:43 am
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    I love your post. All mommies should get along, everyone has been parented different and comes from different backgrounds, everyone is going to be different..

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  • August 14, 2015 at 4:10 pm
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    Ughh I hate that so many mommys just wanna be at war all the time! I’m a peaceful kinda person and hate it when other moms wanna pick on me for something I might do different

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  • August 15, 2015 at 7:30 am
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    Congrats on your lil’ one haven’t a smooth transition into her own bed. I have heard horror stories about how difficult the transition can be, but every child is different. I feel bad for Moms who experience Mommy Warfare…since I don’t have any kids of my own…I have only recently learned that such a thing exists.
    Yona Williams recently posted…Gift Ideas for a Sixth Wedding AnniversaryMy Profile

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    • September 3, 2015 at 2:05 pm
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      Thanks, Yona. I won’t say it was easy every night, but overall it wasn’t bad. There were a few nights we laid in her room on the floor with her until she was comfortable, then slowly stopped doing that. Now I can just lay her down and walk out. 🙂
      Jesica H recently posted…Barbie Rock ‘N Royals – Raise Your Voice!My Profile

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  • August 17, 2015 at 6:10 pm
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    It’s so important to be supportive. People these days don’t realize that everything can be easier if you are just nice, even motherhood 🙂
    Katarina K recently posted…The Story of Angry RoomMy Profile

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  • August 17, 2015 at 9:09 pm
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    Wow, mommy shaming is a thing? I think that parents should be allowed to raise they children as they see fit. Each family is different and it’s those differences that make the world a fascinating place.

    Reply
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